There is a magic power parents have. We can’t make everything work out in the world, and we can’t make our children happy all the time. 
In fact, it often happens that we are the source of their tears - a simple “no” can provoke a torrent of strong emotion in our little ones.
The Magic Of A Kiss
But I’m referring to the magic of the boo-boo kiss. It’s a remarkable trick which parents learn by reaching into their own memories of having received many such magical kisses from their own parents.
I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t find myself kissing a hurt on one of my children. I’m not sure when the magic begins to wear off, but my eldest, six year old son still is under its spell.
There is a very simple formula to conjuring up the power, and it begins with your child having a spill which results in a small hurt. Maybe her knee was scraped or banged in a fall, a head was bumped on a wall, a finger was caught in a drawer (ouch!)…the list is endless. Harder to access are the bitten tongues (a kiss on the cheek usually suffices), and when growing pains kick in especially at night, the exact spot is not so easy to place - a kiss anywhere on the leg usually works.
Kids Finding Balance
Kids work hard at the job of getting bigger and exploring a relatively new and rapidly changing body. They are often blissfully ignorant of the laws of physics, especially gravity, and take precipitous risks over uncertain heights such as the edge of a stairwell or top of a climber.
My three year old daughter has the trusting and foolish habit of holding her arms out to me and letting herself fall when I ascend stairs to fetch her. Until now she has landed into my arms, but once I sprinted up when, while I was at the bottom of the stairs, just the sight of me provoked her to begin a freefall.
All this is to say that to be a young child is to continually stretch the limits of the body through trial and much painful error.
How The Kiss Works
Given all this, how does a simple kiss make a difference? First of all, it does. In a sense that is enough for a parent to know, but at the same time it is worth considering just what is going on, what the magic is all about.
Let’s back up a little, first, to the method of the magic: the kiss has to be given immediately. You can’t say, I’m busy right now, honey, I’ll give you a kiss in a minute. The need is met on demand. Of course, the kiss is usually accompanied by loving words and caresses (strengthening the magic with incantations and mysterious gestures), but the kiss is the main thing.
The real power of this magic comes from the most basic human needs being met: acknowledgement and acceptance.
Kids Needs To Be Acknowledged
What a child needs more than anything else is to be acknowledged and accepted. The first can be seen by the innumerable times our children beg our attention with the call: “Look at me, Dad!” They continually need their existence verified by our attention, and it is this exchange which builds the foundation for a healthy sense of self.
The self is essentially a relational being, and the positive acknowledgement a parent gives to a child makes the most basic building block. We say with a glance, yes, I know you’re here, and you’re important. You deserve my attention, and I will share in your joy of being alive. Yes, I will look at you and say, good for you!
When the child is in pain, it is the hurt which needs immediate acknowledgement. No matter how small the pain may be, it deserves a kiss, the acknowledgement that it hurts and life is not easy right now. If I refuse that acknowledgement, and chide my child to be a big boy or girl, then the pain of my refusal is much more hurtful than the physical hurt.
This same truth is experienced in meditation, when the meditator simply notices mindfully the painful physical or emotional reality. The acknowledgement takes the fear out of the pain and then the pain itself is easier to deal with.
Teaching Children To Accept
By acknowledging their hurt without criticism, we are teaching our children to accept their own experiences - difficult or easy as they may be. That is the first step to making any conscious change for the better.
The second element of the magic kiss is acceptance. This flows directly from the acknowledgement, and it is the attitude of not judging the pain or hurt. There is a temptation, especially when our children are accident prone, to say, “Why did you do that?” or, “You fell again? I told you to be more careful.”
When a child (or an adult, for that matter) is hurting, that is not the time to establish blame. You can discuss later how the accident could be avoided in the future, but now full acceptance is desperately needed.
The kiss says I love you no matter what, and we will hold this pain together. Right now it doesn’t matter why it happened, but we will stand together with this moment.
This is the essence of compassion, which is formed from the prefix “com” meaning ‘with,’ and “passion” meaning ‘feel.’ Compassion is to feel with another.
The true magic of the boo-boo kiss is that it doesn’t make the pain go away. It still hurts, but the fear and crisis around it have dissolved into the space of being held. The very pain was kissed, as if to say, “I love you too, difficult though you are right now.”
We don’t reject the pain and try to make it disappear as quickly as possible, but we acknowledge and accept it fully. In that gesture the child feels fully acknowledged and accepted, which gives her or him greater strength to hold any difficulty.
The magic is so strong that my daughter has begun to kiss my boo-boos whenever I have one. And true to form, it always makes me feel much better.