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 “Mama, why does Harry Potter do that? Why doesn’t he just ask a grown-up for help?” asks my daughter, Sequoia, with whom I have been reading the Harry Potter series lately.
“He’s afraid of getting in trouble,” I answer, knowing that this explanation doesn’t really make sense to a child who has never been punished.
To the children in JK Rowling’s books, punishment is a fate worse than death. They regularly risk their lives to avoid getting into trouble or expelled.
When my child was younger, I realised that it would be disrespectful to punish her for being a child, especially when I wouldn’t hand out punishments to my friends or partner.
Punishment For Accidents?
The thought of telling my partner to take a “time out” for knocking over a glass of milk, or giving him a stern talking to and taking away his computer privileges for accidentally breaking something would be ludicrous.
I hear many parents talking about setting only “natural consequences,” but in practice, this is just a fancy way of saying “let the punishment fit the crime.”
If my child breaks her favourite toy, the true natural consequence is that her toy is broken – telling her that her toys will be confiscated until she can learn to treat them better isn’t a natural consequence: it’s a punishment.
I found that when I relate to my child with respect, she is very well behaved and she needs no punishment. When she forgets, or has an accident - she feels genuine remorse, and is able to process that in a healthy way, without fear of retribution.
The Consequence Of Punishment
When my daughter had a friend over, and they accidentally broke a plate, he was fearful and wanted to hide the evidence, whereas she was sad that the plate was broken, and came to me saying that she was sorry, and asked for help to clean it up.
If I had punished Sequoia for breaking the plate, she wouldn’t learn to take more care of plates (and after all, every one breaks something once in a while) – it would only teach her to hide the truth and lie to me, which I would then have to punish her for, increasing the cycle.
In our culture, we believe that it is necessary to punish children in order to correct them, so they learn not to make the same transgression again. However, the reality is that the punishment doesn’t really teach children how to behave, but to fear punishments, and to get better at avoiding them.
If I were to punish my child for breaking a plate, she would then carry the fear of punishment with her the next time she carries a plate: she will be nervous about being punished again instead of being careful with the plate, leading to more breakages.
Dealing With A Contrary Child
Recently, Sequoia went through a phase of being contrary and not doing what I asked her. I felt frustrated; like she was never listening to me. One night she was jumping on my bed, and I asked her to stop, but she didn’t and the bed broke.
My immediate reaction was to shout at her, and punish her. Instead, I took a deep breath, and said, “I need to talk to you. I’m feeling very frustrated that the bed is broken and even more frustrated that I asked you to stop but you didn’t listen to me. Now I feel I can’t trust you.”
Sequoia was truly remorseful and apologised sincerely. We had a long talk about respect and safety, and then we were able to work together to repair the bed.
I can see that if I had given in to my anger and punished her, she wouldn’t have listened to what I was saying and how I was feeling; she would only hear the punishment, and wouldn’t have really understood that she had done something wrong.
A rrusting relationship
When a child is accustomed to being punished by grown-ups she will become fearful of them rather than developing a trusting relationship. I think of my child as a student of life. I am not her teacher so much as an experienced guide. As a guide, I wouldn’t punish someone for making a mistake or having an accident – I simply lead by example.
If a child misbehaves, it isn’t because the child is bad or intentionally breaking rules – it is an accident: the child is learning.
Imagine you are a piano teacher and the child your student. You tell the student to play C and then A sharp, but the child gets confused again and again. The more the teacher shouts at the child, punishes her, tells her off for playing badly when she knows the right way, the more confused, scared and frustrated she gets.
However, if the teacher lets the mistake pass and again demonstrates the correct notes in a gentle and supportive manner, the child understands, and learns.
We all learn by making mistakes, and if we are punished for making mistakes, what we will learn is punishment. If we respect and support our children as students of life, then we, their parents, will give them trust, confidence and self love.
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