I have decided to make a confession. I figure nobody is going to judge me being that we are a spiritual crowd and all that!
Here goes. It is about me and Oprah Winfrey. The confession is that I have dreams sometimes that I am with her, in her apartment or in a garden, a hotel room or on a train, and we are very close, and we are discussing important things, and we love each other.
And in the morning, when I awake, these dreams stay with me, sometimes well into the third or fourth day, and I miss her, miss the feeling I have when we are together, and I fantasize that maybe she has these dreams as well and if I get in touch with her she will be delighted, and we will finally be together in the flesh.
But as the spell wears off I become, again and again, painfully aware that I am probably one of millions of women with the same delusion; that there is barely any statistically viable chance I will ever meet my dreamland friend, and that even if I met her she would not like me very much because unlike her, I am still overweight (what to do, sad but true).
A big part of every trip to the United States (my birthplace and home of my family of origin), is checking out Oprah, finding out what she is doing these days, feeling disappointed in what has become of her, and then begrudgingly coming back to a place of respect, if not awe.
For those few who don’t know her, a recap: Oprah comes from an extremely poor family, was severely abused as a girl, became an actress and then a TV host, going on, against any odds for a poor African American woman, to become a TV superstar, magazine publisher, TV and movie producer, radio station owner, philanthropist, and rich beyond account.
In the beginning, her shows were revolutionary and startlingly deep, delving into issues that no one had ever dared touch before. She spoke with everyone (from common to famous folk) about our planet and our need to love each other, here and now. The projects she became involved in were always right on, supporting people, especially women, to become unafraid, empowered, and free.
Also, Oprah, who grew up dirt poor, became richer than a fairy tale queen. She famously does things like host lunches for 50 of her Famous African American Women heroes and gives them all, as a party going home present, diamond earrings. In her popular magazine, Oprah, the articles are right on, resonating spiritual common sense and a practical affirmative vibe.
Watching Oprah evolve and change every time I visit the States has been a way for me to check my own values, to wrestle and grapple with opinions, self image, motivations and aspirations.
Compared to her, I am a nothing, have achieved nothing. How do I feel about that? What is the true meaning of 'achievement'?
Why do some people shine to such an extreme degree while others of us hobble along - what is the difference between me and Oprah? How much would I need to achieve to feel that I lhave lived up to my own potential? What would I need to do for this world to feel that I gave what I came here to give?
And other, more ideological questions arise as well, and with intensity: Has Oprah co-opted her revolutionary vision of a just world, in surrendering to capitalism - or does she have a point which is maybe deeper than I realize? Something about embracing what we crave and turning it into something beautiful, working WITH the powerful forces in the here and now instead of fighting, rejecting, going out into exile (as I think sometimes I have done)
Last week I had another dream about her, and in it I was telling her I was disappointed with her involvement in some show about finding jeans.
The next morning I picked up a major news magazine and there was a story about her: turns out she has just spent 40 million dollars to build a school for leadership for girls in South Africa.
The school is mega deluxe - from the exclusive design, the art work and chic-African ethnic decor, the plush towels and sheets on the five star quality beds, real silver for the tables. Oprah has hand picked the girls, with high leadership potential, from among thousands of African girls, girls more poor than most of us can imagine.
Amongst much criticism, to the tune of "what a waste of money, what in the world do these girls need such an incredibly posh situation, they will grow so apart from their people," Oprah is nonpluss. She says that these are her girls, and one day they will lead the world into justice and sane humanity and they deserve the best, they deserve to experience what any other privileged leaders do. She says, "I want them to learn to expect the best."
Some may groan in disgust. Some may applaud. Though I continue to feel challenged by my dreamland soul friend, I hope I meet her someday, and actually, I would love to be her realtime friend. Of all things American, this is where I find some connection to my own self. So, you have my confession. Keep it to yourself, ok?