One of the greatest days of my life was when I got my cute little Yorkshire Terrier, Barkley. I was so in love that I couldn’t bring myself to leave him even to go to school. He was so small he could fit in the palm of my hand. The most amazing thing is that every day I love him more.
Another area of my life where I am currently experiencing this phenomenon is with my three boys. The moment each one was born I couldn’t believe I ever lived a day without them. Even though they drive me absolutely crazy at times, every day I love them more.
All of us at one point in our lives have experienced this type of ever-expanding love. It could be with a romantic partner, a best friend, a child or a pet. Recently, as I was marveling over how much I love my little roly-poly one year old, an interesting question popped into my head. Why do I love you more every day? It may seem like a silly question, but let’s examine this a bit: When we really think about it, our love is either growing or diminishing.
From sparkle to comfort
Love is a dynamic feeling between two people, that must be constantly fed. In romantic relationship for instance, After the initial spark is felt by both, what is each person’s feeling about the other? He might say, “She completes me. She makes me feel wonderful. There’s nothing she wouldn’t do for me”. But why do we have this honeymoon phase, and what makes it disappear for the most part?
In the beginning of a relationship, not only are most of us on our best behavior, but we are constantly trying to do something to make the other person happy. Maybe we are surprising each other with cute, thoughtful gifts, or taking them for surprise vacations and romantic dinners. In the beginning of the relationship, we are caught up in this whirlwind of love and romance.
Then it transforms into a comfortable, more settled type of love. Now, instead of going out to the fanciest restaurants, we might dine someplace more affordable. Instead of a gift every several weeks, now it’s only gifts during birthdays or holidays. After several years of being together many couples fall into a daily routine, and forgot about the romance that used to be between them.
Now let’s compare it to the other extreme: the love one has for a pet. My dog Barkley is now fourteen years old. Why do I still love him more every day? He is the same dog. Nothing about him changed, except that he calmed down as he got older.
Fulfill the other's needs
Rav Shalom Arush, in his groundbreaking relationship guide, The Garden of Peace, explains that love grows when you are focused on how you can make your partner happy.
And I also believe that love is when we think, “How can I make my partner happy? What can I do to meet her needs?” When we really love someone, we don’t focus on what we need. We only focus on giving to the other person.
This explains why most of us love our children more every day. We don’t expect anything back from our children. We don’t say, “I made you dinner, so you meet my needs”. That would be ridiculous. So why do we do this with our lovers? Why have we come to make such a drastic differentiation between the two?
If we look at couples in our lives that have been together for years and are still madly in love, we can clearly see that they live for one another. Neither of them is waiting for the other person to fulfill his needs. They are so focused on the other person, they don’t worry about what they might be lacking.
For example, the woman doesn’t have to remind her husband that she needs his emotional attention because he is constantly giving it to her. As a result, she focuses all of her efforts on being everything she can be for him.
This, says Rav Arush, is the secret to a great and long-lasting relationship. When we focus on building this type of love, we can begin to get a taste of the Divine Intent of how love is really meant to be. So focus on the ones you love and live your happily-ever-after today!