Don't Talk To Strangers
When I was three years old, a policeman came to my day care centre to talk about not talking to strangers.
As it would happen, my mother was unable to get away from work to come and pick me up that day, so she arranged for the day care centre to call a taxi to take me to her work. 
Heeding the words of the policeman, I absolutely refused to get into the cab, despite much cajoling from the teachers.
Now that I’m a parent, I want to keep my child safe, and teach her about the dangers out there: it’s a part of our parenting instincts to ensure they grow up well-protected as well as nurtured and nourished. I believe at the core of keeping children safe is raising them with respect, so that they are self-confident enough to keep themselves safe in most cases.
Common parenting practices, however, can sometimes undermine that respect; I think in some cases our children may actually be further at risk because of them.
The main safety practice we instil in our children is that we teach them to fear strangers. We drill them to remember, “Never talk to strangers!” however this is a contradiction that can confuse children.
Strangers Are Part Of Life
Communicating with strangers is a part of being human.
We talk to strangers all the time. The cashier in the supermarket is a stranger; the bank clerk is a stranger; even Great Aunt Nellie is a stranger to the child. Children see us talking to strangers every day, and are often encouraged to talk to them; “The nice lady asked how old you are, it’s rude not to answer her!”
Great Aunt Nellie is another confusing contradiction for children. Though the child doesn’t know her, we coerce him to go and sit on her lap and let her have a kiss on the cheek, despite having exhorted our children to “never allow strangers to touch them in ways that they don’t like”.
Even when the child complains that she doesn’t want to sit in Great Aunt Nellie’s lap, we try to instil obedience; society tells us that children must do what they are told. While this can make for a quiet, good child, it can also lead to the child feeling that she can’t stand up for herself when an adult tells her to do something – even when it’s something she’s not comfortable with.
Respect For Our Kids
I would much rather discuss things with my daughter, Sequoia, so we can negotiate and come to an agreement, than obliging her to obey me unquestioningly. I want her to feel that what she says has value and to be self-confident enough to say “no”.
I believe that a child raised with respect is far less likely to fall prey to a grown-up with unsavoury intentions, whether a stranger or not.
Ultimately, people who are known to the child are far more likely to do harm than those elusive strangers. This sad fact is something most people would rather be in denial of, because it makes us uncomfortable to think that someone we know could harm children.
I believe that being in denial and pretending such things don’t happen, at least not to ‘good’ people, further exposes our children to harm. Being truly honest, and facing these facts in the bright light of day empowers us.
When we are honest with our children and raise them with respect, they are empowered too. Empowered people do not easily fall prey to abuse.
A child needs to know what to do if she gets lost or if someone tries to grab her or do something she knows is wrong. Having this knowledge is close to useless if the child is not empowered enough to put it into use. Children with a low sense of self-worth make easy targets for predatory adults.
The standard advice I grew up with was, “If you get lost, find a policeman or the store manager. If a stranger tries to do something to you, say ‘no’ and run away”.
A Lost Child
The difficulty here is that as a small child, a policeman can be hard to find, if available at all, and a store manager is hard to identify when your eye-level affords only a view of legs, and not grown-ups’ name tags.
Furthermore, how can an obedient child say ‘no’ to a stranger, if she is not allowed to talk to them, or even to say ‘no’ to adults at all? If a child does get lost, she can’t even ask for help, as the only people around would be strangers.
The reality is that the vast majority of strangers are good people, who would do no harm to our children. I believe it would be better to teach children that when they get lost, they should find a woman, preferably one with children, and say, “Excuse me, I’m lost, can you help me?” It is far better to seek help from the person you choose, than the one who chooses you.
With My Daughter
My daughter, Sequoia is very shy, and generally she needs a bit of time to open up to new people. There are some people she is instantly drawn to and some she never feels comfortable with. When she is approached by strangers she either shies away, hiding behind me, or she interacts with them.
I trust her to use her intuition, and to pick up on people’s signals.
Lately I have started letting Sequoia go into our little village shop on her own to buy treats or to get change for the Laundromat. We started by going in together, and I would make the transactions.
Once she was comfortable in the store, I would let her handle the transactions, while I stood by. Slowly I increased the distance from her, step-by-step and day-by-day. Now I feel confident for her to go in by herself while I wait outside.
I believe that supporting my child to develop these skills is the best way to protect her.