Respect
As parents, we can sometimes find ourselves so focused on raising our children respectfully and consciously that we forget to treat each other with the same level of respect.
I found that when my relationship with my child’s father became strained, it was often coming down to arguments where I felt I wasn’t being treated with the same kind of respect we would give to our child, and I realised I was treating my partner with the same lack of respect. We were each focussed on winning the argument; rigid and inflexibly striving to put our own points across.
When Sequoia, my daughter, would do something that upset me, I would calmly talk to her about it, and make allowances for her mistakes, but when my partner did something equivalent, I would snap at him and shout. I had little patience for my partner’s own learning processes and we had a lot of expectations of each other that were not clearly communicated.
We work so hard to parent our child respectfully; to listen to her needs, to speak respectfully and to guide her in learning as well as modelling respectful behaviour and interactions.
Unconditional Parenting
I was very focused on a concept called Unconditional Parenting – essentially raising children with respect and unconditional love. Some of the main tenets of this concept are raising children without the manipulations of punishments and rewards, and using open, respectful communication – really being present for the child.
When raising children with unconditional parenting, we focus on showing the child that our love is unconditional – that is: we don’t use punishments or rewards to manipulate the child because we want our child to feel that we love her no matter how she behaves. So much of conventional parenting is based around trying to get children to behave in the way we want them to, but this is essentially assuming that children are intrinsically bad and need to be trained into “good behaviour”.
In reality, children who are respected and treated unconditionally do behave well, because humans are social animals with an intrinsic desire to behave in a way that is fitting with the culture around them.
One day I had been arguing with my partner, and I had the realisation that we were talking to each other in ways that we would never do with our child. Having the understanding that I could focus on treating my partner with the same respect as I did my child was a real revelation.
I realised that in most of our interactions we were focusing more on winning the argument than on hearing each other or expressing our needs.
Letting Go Of Arguments
Once we started putting our relationship first, and talking about our needs and our feelings without judgement, rather than arguing over who was right, there came about an amazing shift in our relationship.
We began making an effort to consider how we would react to Sequoia in similar circumstances. For example: when Sequoia is tired or hungry, she can get very clingy and whiny. We as parents are able to recognise this, and support her in getting her needs met, as well as making some allowances for her when we know she is tired or hungry.
Keeping this in mind, we were able to do the same for each other. The process is largely taking the space and time to tune in with how the other person is feeling, and being respectful of their needs.
Most importantly, we are focussing on putting the relationship first, rather than trying to win points against each other.
In this way, we generally avoid arguments before they begin, and when there are disagreements, we can talk about things respectfully, and each get our needs met as best we can.
Being A Model For The Children
For me, the biggest motivation for working with Sequoia’s father to create this relationship paradigm is to model respectful relationships for my child.
It was hypocritical for us to be parenting our child in one way, and expecting her to learn this respectful, peaceful way of interacting with others when we ourselves were constantly bickering and not listening to each other’s feelings or needs.
From that point of respectful communication, we were able to create a space wherein we were each free to express our needs without feeling that they would be ignored or derided.
In the past, when one of us was expressing some need, the other would feel attacked, and start in on the defensive, which would inevitably become a debate that descended into arguing, shouting and not listening. Instead we learned to give each other the space to share how we’re feeling and express our needs without taking on any negative judgement.
A List Of Needs
We made up a page on which we each wrote a list of our needs, without any expectations for them, or judgements about the other’s needs and stuck the lists up on the closet door where we’d both see them.
We never really talked about the lists, but every day we’d have a subtle reminder of each other’s needs. Around three months later we took the lists down and went through them. The amazing thing was that by that time, we could cross most of the needs off the lists – they were all either being met or no longer felt important, but we did have new things to add, so new lists were made up and re-posted.
By the end of the third list, we no longer felt the need to write another one, and had developed a respectful way of interacting with each other, and talking about our needs and feelings.
Equally important, we found that we each had a lot of assumptions about how our relationship would work, but we learned not to take anything for granted, even things that seemed to be completely self-evident. We made an effort to always talk honestly about our feelings, needs and expectations.
In any relationship, whether it be with a partner, a child, or a friend, it’s vital to maintain open, honest, respectful communication.
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