"Jewish wisdom holds that our children do not belong to us. They are both a loan and a gift from God, and the gift has strings attached. Our job is to raise our children to leave us. The children's job is to find their own path in life. If they stay carefully protected in the nest of the family, children will become weak and fearful or feel too comfortable to leave."
This is a passage from Los Angeles clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel's book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teaching to Raise Children.
Wendy's book has become required reading for not just Jewish parents but parents of all religious denominations that are searching for answers in how to raise their children.
According to the New York Times, her book is the counter culture movement manifesto to the current cultural reign of over-parenting. Overworked and overburdened school principals press the book into worried parents' hands.
The unique thing about this book is how many Christian parents are learning ancient Jewish texts as a by product of learning to become better parents.
From her childhood, it would have been impossible to predict that Wendy Mogel would have written a book based on Jewish teachings. As Wendy says, "I was raised to know the difference between cherrystone and small neck clams, not to know the Jewish prohibition against eating shellfish. My grandfather was president of his Orthodox Synagogue in Brighton Beach but my father was rather far from the Jewish religion and my mother was as close to a shiska as my father could get."
Not much changed religion wise after she married Hollywood prince Michael Tolkin and moved to Los Angeles. Dr. Mogel completed her internship and post doctoral studies at the prestigious Cedars-Sinai Hospital.
Even after a difficult period of not being able to conceive and losing a premature baby on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, Wendy and Michael still did not turn to religion or consult with a rabbi.
So it is no surprise that Dr. Mogel viewed her first visit to a synagogue on a Jewish New Year as a cultural anthropological expedition. Dr. Mogel found herself inexplicably drawn to the ceremony and even cried.
She was eager to discover more and went back the next week with her friend. Soon she was going alone to the Reform synagogue.
Then the family began having the traditional Friday night dinner (albeit sometimes with Thai shrimp take out) but complete with candle lighting and Wendy baking challah bread.
At some point, Wendy took a year off from her practice to study ancient Jewish texts. It was hard work but what she learned radically changed her life and that of her children.
"When I began studying Judaism, one of the first things that struck me was how directly it spoke to the issue of parental pressure. According to Jewish thought, parents should not expect their children to be anyone other than who they are. A Hasidic teaching says, 'If your child has a talent to be a baker, don't tell him to be a doctor.' Judaism holds that every child is made in the divine image."
Dr. Mogel believes that today's parents are too protective and too afraid to let their children try something new or even fail on their own. As soon as a child utters the word 'test' or 'quiz,' his or her parents start shielding them from everyday life pressures so that they can concentrate on their studying.
"The third century Rabbis understood that it was natural for parents to want to protect their children from life's hardships that is why they ordered in the Talmud that a father must teach a son to swim."
Wendy Mogel wants today's parents to let their children swim in the sea of life without a parental life preserver.
The Torah and the accompanying Talmud texts are as relevant now as they ever were. From the Babylonian Talmud texts, Dr. Mogel learned how to deal with the modern dilemma of whether to cut or not to cut in the school carpool line. Why shouldn't you cut in line?
Dr. Mogel answers "Because it is a theft of time. What is your compensation for waiting in the carpool lane? You are teaching your child patience and courtesy."
Dr. Mogel teaches, "a parent must lay down his or her phone when greeting his child. The laws of 'derech eretz' state that when in public, you should try to greet others as soon as you spot them, so they won't think you're ignoring them or trying to avoid them.Your child deserves as much consideration. Get off the cell phone before they get in the car."
Another Dr Mogel recommendation is that "A parent shall not fib on a child's behalf. If you tweak the rules for your children, you are breaking the agreement you made with them when they were young. Back then, you taught them to tell the truth. When they see your hypocrisy, they will lose respect for you, imitate your behavior or both."