"The last thing people want to attach to their name is authority. It makes you seem old, which goes against the cult of youth in which we live"… Agony Aunt Anna Raeburn of LBC radio, London.
U.S. family psychologist John Rosemond has a theory: Discipline = leadership. And that doesn't mean punishment-ship, reward-ship, or consequence-ship.
Discipline, according to Rosemond, is the process parents must subscribe to in order to teach naturally self-centered children to become responsible members of society who follow a parent's lead and subscribe to a socially acceptable value system.
But in today's world of "be a friend to your kid" and softer parenting techniques, how does a parent retain spirituality and discipline his/her children?
When is reasoning effective and when is it a lost cause? And what of choosing from the plethora of discipline methods like time-outs, withholding or simply saying "because I say so"?
Today's parents have a toolbox of techniques at their disposal - strategies that are more effective and long-term than spanking, but unless they have access to parenting education classes or educational resources parents won't necessarily know that.
U.S. Assemblywoman Sally Lieber tried to outlaw spanking of children under age 4 in February and ignited a firestorm of ridicule and argument. In one camp parenting experts and pediatricians asserted spanking is ineffective and potentially abusive. In the other, parents whose own childhood misdeeds were punished by physical measures claimed hitting is a fast and effective way to stop misbehaviour.
"I asked when spanking children became a horrible thing," an online chat room mother of an 11-month-old asserted after Lieber first floated the spanking ban. "Lieber told me she never ever spanked her children but in the same breath, she said her son had been in and out of rehab five times for heroin addiction. Spanking kids shows them that there are repercussions for your actions. You can either spank them now, or let the law kick their asses when they get older," the woman wrote.
"Discipline is about teaching, not punishment," says J. Burton Banks, a Tennessee physician who has written extensively on the topic for the American Family Physician Journal.
"And the problem with spanking," he says, "is that it may be fast and effective in the short term - the shocked child ceases whatever he's doing immediately - but it doesn't teach the child anything. And the more you use it, the less effective it becomes."
Yet, physical punishment remains far more popular than most people suspect. A 1996 U.S. study that targeted middle class, well-educated families found just 17 percent said they had never used physical punishment.
"You have to reflect on how you were raised," says Rona Renner, a California child specialist "and try to decide what you want to repeat and what you don't want to repeat."
Renner advocates a mixture of disciplinary techniques with children, clear limits and consistent consequences that serve families well. For example, misbehave and you get a warning. Misbehave again and face immediate consequences like a timeout.
When a parent is calm and consistent, says Renner, kids know what to expect, and they know what is expected of them. But there's no single prescription. What works at one age - time-outs, grounding or taking away privileges - may not be appropriate at another.
"The principles that define effective leadership do not change from one leadership environment to another," Rosemond asserts. "If you know how to lead in a business setting, then you know how to lead a child. In this regard, first and foremost, leaders are effective communicators. They communicate such that the people they lead believe in them, believe in their mission and believe in themselves. Thus, effective leaders bring out the best in people."
In addition, Rosemond asserts that effective parents are decisive. They say what they mean, and they mean what they say.
"So, when a parent tells me that their child 'won't take no for an answer,' I know that the problem is not with the child. I know I am talking to a parent who is impaired in his or her leadership," says Rosemond.
Child professionals offer a range of tips for effective discipline including..
1) Most misbehavior occurs when children are tired, hungry or bored. Be proactive and prepare yourself with crayons, a coloring book and something to munch.
2) Timeouts are effective with toddlers and young school-age children, particularly when dealing with tantrums, whining or bickering. Timeouts give parents a chance to calm down, too, and the 'punishment' sends the unmistakable message that "I mean what I say."
3) Issue reminders and warnings in a firm, calm voice. Laughing ruefully as you reprimand a child or saying "You're in timeout, OK?" undermines what you're trying to do.
4) Follow up every punishment or timeout with another discussion of what went wrong, but do it with an encouraging, forward-looking attitude - the child made a mistake and next time can behave differently.
5) Open, respectful discussion of rules (and the reasoning behind them) is the best bet with tweens.
And bear in mind Rosemond's words: "Today's parents, by and large, do not like to upset their children. Parents of 50 plus years ago did not care if their children became upset at decisions they made. Today's parents want their children to like them. Parents of "old" did not care whether their children liked them at any given moment or not. Today's parents often act as if they're running for office. Yesterday's parents acted like they held an office and deserved it."
Ultimately for parents it's a balancing act between gentle and stern moments. It is constant questioning and re-evaluating: What message do I want to give my children? What do I want to teach? And ultimately what legacy do I want to leave? None of it is easy stuff. But being a thoughtful parent pays off because the end result is a thoughtful child who grows into a thoughtful adult.