When people talk about wanting peace, they are generally referring to peace in the world, such as stopping unrest and violence.
What we sometimes forget is that countries, governments, and organizations are made up of human beings - individual people - who have families, children, mates and jobs, all of whom share the same personal daily concerns that we do.
I would like to suggest that, for the most part, it is very difficult (probably impossible) to change the whole world, even though most of us have had at least some passing thoughts as to what would help to make authentic, wide-reaching global change.
When I think, "I want peace" my next natural inclination is to ask myself, "OK, how can I personally contribute to that idea…?" For me,two things come to mind:
• I can do whatever is necessary to create an atmosphere of peace in my own personal environment with family, friends, neighbours and work colleagues.
• I can do my part, 'out there' in society and with strangers, to not react to people who may be rude, moody, unreasonable, etc., and instead respond in a way that generates an attitude of calm and comfort.
Why Do People Argue?
If you ask any sane person what they want, they'll tell you that they want more harmony and good-will with anyone and everyone in their environment, whether it is at work, home, with extended family, or friends. Yet, it is inevitable that during the course of our relationships, we will find ourselves in disagreement or argument with someone - Why?
Let's start with conditioning.
We are often raised with several ideas that in actuality do not fit properly together (like misplaced pieces of a puzzle.) In psychology we call this a "lack of congruence." Some examples:
• A parent tells a child to behave, mind their manners, and be polite; then
that same parent loses their temper, turns around and screams at the child.
• A child is told to share and be fair; in the next moment, the child is
coached to be competitive, to 'win,' and made to feel bad
about 'losing.'
• A child is told that he/she must be tolerant of others who are
'different,' yet is actually encouraged not to associate with anyone who is different.
This is the way of the world - there is nothing new or provocative in these words. However, if we genuinely want to make some steps toward peace, we need to at least be aware of our own personal 'congruence': What are we saying? What are we meaning? What are we doing and modeling?
In my last article, I pointed out that not agreeing is normal and natural, and a key to better and healthier relationships is in learning how to manage disagreeing. Let's now take this one step further.
One of the major factors in learning how to "agree to disagree" is in not getting 'hooked' or caught up in conflict with others - to learn to discern: What part of this problem is mine? (or caused by me); What part of this problem belongs to the other? (caused by them;) What is reality? (in this situation…) The biggest dilemma is that we are both right - for each of us.
What is mine has to do with how I feel about any particular issue, situation, interaction, point of view (whether it is a personal or global concern.) We are always entitled to our own particular way of seeing things.
Our feelings are ours, they are valid - for us - and we can generally find enough other like-minded people who are in agreement, in order to form our own groups and communities.
Other people's feelings are real to them, and they are right for them: What is another's feeling or point of view is as valid to them as mine is to me.
Now we enter into a deeper level of complexity, as we are stuck with the idea (based on our previous conditioning) that - If you win, I lose. If I win, you lose.
So the question becomes: How can we both win? Can we each be right, for ourselves?... and can we find enough room, enough 'breathing space,' for both of us to be OK with how we are, how we think, how we feel, what we want - even if our views are completely different?
Moving Toward Solutions:
When we are strongly invested in a position or point of view, it becomes very difficult to listen to another person. We are 'certain' of our rightness, and too much certainty of our rightness turns into what we call "self righteous."
We fear that if we give in, back down, or compromise, we will lose, and the other will win. Our vision becomes myopic and we lose 'sight' of the 'bigger picture.' The outcome is a refusal to listen to how the other person holds or views the situation.
There is a way around this problem and it starts with the process of listening - attuned, caring, open-minded, open-hearted listening.
Listening (with complete and total presence) involves a shift in attitude. The fundamental principle behind listening to another's point of view involves an actual wanting to understand why and how the other person sees as they see, feels as they feel, wants what they want.
We often get stuck because we mistakenly think that if we really listen, then we might change our minds, or get talked out of our own authentic feelings. What we forget is that there are two of us here.
Everyone Can Be A Winner
If we BOTH really listen, if we both really consider the other's point of view, something may happen…a third alternative that neither of us had considered, that allows each of us to win - a little!
In the next article, we will explore the process of good listening - what works, what doesn't work and how to master the art of better communication.
For now, it might be interesting to reflect on some of the relationships in your life, considering what you wish worked better and more harmoniously.
Homework
I normally end my therapy sessions with some sort of "homework" - things for the client(s) to ponder upon until the next time we meet. So I leave you with these two questions:
Picking someone in your life with whom you would like to have a better relationship, ask yourself:
- What would I like more of from this person?
- If he/she was here right now, what would this person say they
want more of from me?