For much of my life I wore a heavy suit of armour that weighed me down and made my life dull and heavy … it's called guilt! The problem was I really didn't know I was doing this until I started to get in touch with my true feelings. And that is exactly what guilt is designed to do … to keep us from experiencing the full depth of our authentic self. It's a way of covering up the longing in our hearts, a way of numbing out and avoiding the calling of our souls.
Sometimes it's hard to identify that you suffer from guilt as it is deep-rooted and often lies beneath the conscious mind. But there are a number of behaviours that are a clue that guilt is a driving force in your life. These include the avoidance of conflict, the inability to say 'no,' being over-apologetic, a people-pleaser and/or being over-controlling of oneself or of one's environment.
Guilt can also lead to chronic anxiety and depression. Underneath it lies a pervasive fear of punishment, a lack of self-worth that results in what has been called 'toxic shame.'
Ultimately, guilt means we get stuck in our story-lines. These are stories we create about ourselves, about someone else, the world, life, or about God. We learn these stories mostly from our parents. Every time we have been made to feel wrong as a child - whether it be for a certain behaviour or for expressing a certain emotion - we internalise this and believe that some part of us is imperfect and therefore unloveable.
The shame of believing we are unloveable creates such a rift that our psyche fragments and we repress our authentic nature in order to please our parents. The wound that this creates in our hearts runs so deep that we cover it up with a story about being wrong or bad or stupid.
The trouble is, guilt separates us from our core self. It's as if we are standing beside ourselves instead of standing in the centre. It's a very uncomfortable place because there's nowhere to rest, we're constantly on guard as to how we are being judged.
Ultimately, guilt separates us from the recognition of our own divine nature: it separates us from God. We believe that just as our parent's love was conditional then so must God's love be conditional. And how we suffer when we believe we are being punished by God or Life.
I believe, however, that in God's eyes there is no wrong! We are - each and every one of us - absolutely perfect and whole just as we are. God's love is unconditional. We do not have to look to God for forgiveness, we only have to forgive ourselves.
Self-forgiveness means staying softly open instead of hardening into self-loathing, it means developing compassion towards ourselves by remembering that we are children of God. It means changing our perspective from ego to spirit. Ego will always judge, spirit will always accept unconditionally. Whatever the stories created by our conditioning, whatever shape the mask of personality takes, at our core we are all innocent.
Self-forgiveness brings you to a state of inner peace. And when you can be at peace with yourself, then you can be at peace with others and with the world.
You might like to try this beautiful meditation. Over the years, I have used it numerous times, especially when I have felt disempowered by my own sense of shame. You can do it anytime and anywhere. With practice, you can even do it whilst you are talking to someone or involved in some task. It's a great way to remember who you are and is both healing and liberating!
Close your eyes and take a few deep conscious breaths. Now gently bring your attention to where your body might be tense and breathe into this space. On the in-breath, allow the spaciousness of unconditional love. On the out-breath, let go of any tightness or fear. Keep doing this until you feel your whole body bathed in the softness of acceptance.
You may come up against some uncomfortable feelings or some negative thoughts about yourself. Simply see these for what they are … waves in the sea of consciousness. They are not who you really are, for they come and go. Can you simply let them be? Can you keep on breathing in the love?
Let yourself dive beneath the surface of the ocean to that tender place at the centre of your chest. Stay here for a few moments and give your heart some room to breathe. Soften into the hard edges, meet your resistance with acceptance. Simply stay softly open with the doubt, the fear, the anger, the ache. No judgments, no turning away. Everything is welcome here.
Your heart is a safe haven for all that has been unloved, all that has been wounded. Make a home for your wounded child … right here in your heart. Allow all the pain and all the shame to be held with love … right here in your heart. If you like, you can imagine cradling your wounded child with the utmost tenderness … right here in your heart. Give him or her all the love you never received but craved for. Envelop this child in a blanket of golden light.
Now go a little deeper. Allow your heart to break open with longing, with the piercing arrow of remembrance that takes you to your core. You are the divine spark at the centre.
Let your heart burst open and shower you in love, bathing in golden light. Open so wide that you disappear in the vastness of THIS moment. Free-fall into the unboundedness of your true nature, as limitless as the wide-open sky, no beginning and no ending … just the utter simplicity of THIS!
And in the emptiness of Sky-nature, allow EVERYTHING to be held … the whole of Existence, both formless and form. Allow everything to arise in the groundlessness of Being … all thoughts, all emotions, all physical sensations, all ideas of who you are, all ideas of how the world is.
Allow your being to contain the universe. Every single thing that exists can be held in the wide-open spaciousness of your heart. Breathe in and allow everything to rest in the compassion of your heart. Breathe out and relax deeply, resting in compassion for yourself.
Rest softly here for as long as you like, bathing in the radiance of your true nature. When you are ready, bring your attention back to your breath rising and falling in the centre of your chest and to the contours of your body. And now open your eyes.
May you be free of suffering, may you be at peace. May all beings be free of suffering, may all beings be at peace.