In some form or another, we are all in relationships: with mates, dates, kids, colleagues, family, neighbors (and so on…) In all probability you've experienced, at some point, various levels of disagreement or conflict.
Contrary to what many people think, conflicts are normal, and serve as a healthy barometer for deepening relationships. The challenge lies in attempting together to resolve conflicts in a form or structure that makes the issues feel more manageable.
Reflecting on the term: Conflict Resolution
If you take a moment to sense the word 'resolution,' it probably feels like relief, an opening…new possibilities that issues might get handled or resolved.
Now, sense the word 'conflict.' You may notice something entirely different. Conflict feels closed, airless, locked-in with no space or hope.
So to begin, we need to learn how to hold a safe space in which to disagree, and how to turn down the (emotional) volume when the noise is too loud or unharmonious to hear each other.
Some practical tips:
• Breaking issues down into smaller, more manageable pieces:
- Is there anything here we do agree about?
- We agree that we disagree. (That already feels slightly better!)
- Can we list the main issues we are disagreeing about? (Now we're working on disagreeing together!)
- Of the (however many) issues we are disagreeing about, can we pick just one to work on?
• Being in an Interactional frame of mind:
- What's in me?
- What's in me about you?
- What's in you?
- What's in you about me?
- (and most complex) What's us?
When we are stuck in disagreement, we often feel driven to get our points across, at all cost. We want to win/to be right. In a relational context this is a lose/lose situation. Why?
Because being driven by the energy of a have-to-win mentality drags us down to a have-to-survive mentality. Implicit in survival-mode is the concept of ME: there is only me. Hence, I lose the sense of you.
Implicit in an interactional frame is WE: I actually want to know how it is for you, I want to work it out. I'm less concerned about being 'right' or winning than I am about finding a peaceful solution - resolution - for both of us, so that we can each feel like we won - a little!
The Basics for Interactional Communications:
• Context vs. Content: Successful and effective communications are held in a space of context: How we are with each other - our willingness to work things out together. Content is the issue we are not agreeing about right now. This is changeable - assuming we both want it to change. We may not agree about content, but we can share a contextual space in which there is enough room for each of us to be ourselves.
• Desire To Communicate: A willingness to listen openly, hear freshly, the other's meaning, whether you agree with it - or not.
• Creating Safe Space: This means no judging, blaming, accusing, or attacking. A safe space means a shared context where each person's feels heard and valued, with equal time.
• Maintaining Sense of Self: a way of relating where those involved are able to maintain some sense of Self and composure (while the intensity of the issue is still manageable): the difference between interactional and confrontational.
Recommendations for what to do and how to do it:
First, if there is more than one issue, decide together which issue you'd like to work on.
Second, affirm together that you're both motivated by a desire to reach resolution.
Next, it's time to begin an interaction. If we view conflict resolution as a unique conversation where each person has a story to tell, then the entry point becomes:
- How to share in a way where the other can and will listen?
- How to listen so the other will want to openly share?
Ground Rules:
Ground rules are foundational for safe interactions. Ground rules are analogous to containers: containers hold things so they don't spill out (like anger or frustration). Meaningful interactions require a joint agreement to have some structure - a safe 'container' - to hold strong feelings. Here are a few suggestions (you'll no doubt create more of your own):
• Honesty: say what is authentic and true for you.
• I-statements vs. you-statements: This is how I feel (we don't need to agree.) You-statements point a finger, accuse, blame, or make the other person wrong: People do what they do. I can only express how I feel about it.
My rule for you-statements is that only complimentary ones are acceptable.
• Speaking in the present: Take a minute to check freshly, your sense
right now, of how you feel about the issue - (very different than
speaking from ‘memory' of how you felt about it yesterday).
• Describe what happened: "This happened" (and state the facts) rather than "When you did this, it made me feel…" Notice how "when you" automatically implies blame or intention of wrong doing by the other.
• Attitude: Maintain an attitude that is respectful, listening, non-judgmental, and valuing the right of the other to feel what they feel, think what they think, and be who they are. Remember, non-judgment doesn't mean agreement. One can have an attitude that is respectful - and simultaneously disagree.
•Safety: Agreement not to quit, walk out, be destructive, attacking, yelling, or using against the other (out of context) information that was previously shared. Stay with one issue at a time.
• Time-out: If an impasse occurs, or the emotional volume begins to rise: “I can't listen anymore”, agree to a time-out. Commit to and honor another agreed upon time to continue.
•Connection with the other: The relationship is the most important thing - more important than being right, winning or getting one's own way. I may not agree with you, but you still have value to me as a person - and I value myself as well. The inner attitude of respect is the foundation of all interactions and communications.
• Monitoring one's inner (felt) sense: Stay in touch with and speak from your own inner sense of knowing. Keep in mind that what feels right for you may not feel right for the other - and that is all right! - as long as you are willing to hear the other person's sense of knowing.
• Experiencing someone else's truth: In situations of conflict we often feel certain that we know what the other is thinking and feeling. This is called projection and has nothing whatsoever to do with
truth. Truth is relative.
• Empathy and Caring: The gateway to empathy begins with wanting to understand how the other ‘carries' the issue: “How is this for you, right now?” It is impossible to experience empathy and caring unless I fully understand how you ‘carry' the issue. If I can deeply understand why you feel as you do, I will experience empathy - whether I agree or not.
Closing Thoughts…
We get along with people some of the time - and sometimes we don't, even when we care deeply. We are conditioned to believe that disagreeing, arguing, or dissention of any sort is somehow bad, not-adult, and to be avoided. This is a false belief: Disagreeing is natural and normal. Learning how to manage disagreeing requires creativity, patience, and respect for process…the ongoing process of resolving!
(This article is based on Dr. Eugene Gendlin's work and book, Focusing (Bantam 1978).)