For all of us, no matter the relationship with our mother, we are blood, we are soul, we are kindred spirits, brought together for a reason - maybe to iron out karmic issues? Maybe to keep evolving so that we create conscious families and dynamic relationships?
Mentally and emotionally, my mother has withdrawn. She has Alzheimers.
It was a shock. That little bit of forgetfulness that crept in all too frequently and then brain scans for tumours and inconclusive tests and medication and specialists… and before we knew it, the only stories from her come from the past, before I was born, even before she met my father.
In her world, in her domain, she talks of being a little girl during the war.… the world she shared with my father and I has gone… a slate wiped clean.
Occasionally she is alert, in the present moment. She responds to touch and massage I suppose because they bring her into the moment.
But mainly she doesn't seem to be able to correlate the information that is around her in the here and now and just exist with that. The synapses are muddled, the connections inaccurate. She drank a cup of coffee with washing up liquid in it the other day and didn't realize.
Sometimes I wonder where she is… she is sitting there, but her whole demeanour is vacant, her body slumped, her eyes gazing at the ground. Occasionally she knows what is going on, but I think to her and my relief, this is rare. It was more painful for us all when she knew the slippery slope of memory was failing her, when she knew that she was going down the same path as my great grandmother.
She had feared it all her life. And here it was.
I have to grieve the loss of my mother although she is still here. It is a bereavement as I have lost a close friend that I used to confide in regularly. Our mother-daughter bond was special, extremely close. Sometimes I get angry with it all, with her. But as yet I have not grieved - I deal with it in a practical way.
Looking Back At The Maternal Lineage
And what for me and the female line of my family? When I look back through the past couple of generations of women in my family, it seems, on some level they have all opted out of accepted social behaviours and in some ways withdrawn from society and their families.
Back in the thirties my great grandmother left her husband - pretty common now, highly unusual before the war. She was an independent business woman and she gave it a go alone. Strong, until she like my mother developed Alzheimer's in her later life. Also my grandmother - from the time when she lost her husband, she seemed to give up on life, again withdrawing. And now my mother at a very young age has developed Alzheimer's and withdrawn from the family, from society. I don't know what makes the women of my line opt out…
"Karma is the Law of Cause and Effect. There is no effect without a cause; there is no child without a parent," says Torkom Saraydarian. "Whatever you sow, you reap. This applies not only to that which we see around us, but it also applies to our emotions, thoughts, actions, and words. Whatever cause we create, we will receive effects. If there is an effect, there must be a cause; if there is a cause, there will be an effect."
Facing The Present
And the buck stops here. It has to. It seems to me whatever we learn from our families, whatever the dynamics, arguments, loves, desires, hopes, fears of a family network that gets passed down through the genetic and behavioural lines, we all have the power to heal our family line.
From Buddhism to Shamanism, it is believed that we can heal seven generations before us and thus imprint positive change for the seven generations ahead of us.
As Denise Linn says in her book Sacred Legacies, "In every deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations. We must take responsibility for how our thoughts, actions, and beliefs affect our present life, but also the future of the world."
Looking For The Light
I believe we need to acknowledge and celebrate our roots and ancestors, as well as breaking negative ancestral patterns. We need to bring awareness to where we follow family stereotypes or behavioural patterns though they might not be easy to spot.
For me awareness is the first step to healing. We need to see where our beliefs of who we are and what we can achieve are coloured by the experiences of our past and the expectations of our family.
"If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people," says Thich Nhat Hanh
We come to this lifetime with a lesson to learn. And for me right now, I have to celebrate and heal my female ancestry. I also need to connect to my mother as she is today however painful and frustrating that is, and let her know she is still loved.
A meditation to clear past karmas.
Sit in easy pose (crossed-legs) with a straight spine. Drop your elbows, holding forearms out, parallel to the ground, palms flat. Cup your palms and hold them above your knees.
• Move your arms behind your head, stretching your arms as far over your shoulders as possible. Visualise scooping up water and casting it through your arc line, over your shoulders, by flicking your wrists. The action is seamless and rhythmic. It is as if you are clearing our your arc line and your aura, picking up karmic debris and throwing it over your shoulders! It feels very cleansing. Keep repeating the movement as you chant 'Wahe (pronounced Wahay) Guru, Wahe Guru, Wahe Guru, Wahe Jeeo'. You can do this for 3 to 31 minutes.
• To complete, breathe in, and stretch your hands back as far as possible. Hold for 10-15 seconds. Breathe out, repeat three times in total. Relax.