When Diane came into my office three months after dropping her daughter off at college, she suffered from symptoms of depression, overwhelming grief and sadness.
Although she had a satisfying marriage and a productive work life to keep her busy, the sense of loss and emptiness left her feeling devastated. Intellectually, she understood that empty nest was a normal phase of life, but this knowledge didn’t seem to help.
The overwhelming sense of emotional pain washed away all of her intellect and logic.
Diane complained of feeling as if she was on an emotional rollercoaster. She reached peaks of excitement as she helped her daughter settle into her new dorm, only to experience the depths of sadness as she and her husband realized it was time to leave.
The empty back seat of the car and the silent ride home were just the beginnings of facing an end to an important role Diane played for the past 18 years. Motherhood was not a role that she was formally prepared for but rather grew into when her daughter was born.
The myriad of experiences along the way changed her priorities as well as her identity. This new transition left her scrambling to figure out just exactly who she was now.
Empty Nest Syndrome usually sneaks up on parents as they are busily preparing their child physically and emotionally for college.
This transitional phase feels bittersweet, the joy and pride of arriving at this accomplishment, and the lost, empty feelings parents are left with as it transpires.
Unfortunately, Empty Nest also occurs at a time when most parents are also struggling with their own aging parents and mid-life health issues. Roles are shifting as one’s familiar life starts to embark on unknown territory.
On this journey, one’s children are on their way to transforming into independent adults as aging parents can sadly digress into dependent children. Each group faces the challenge of confronting the new roles that life has set before them.
Diane’s path left her with feelings of loss and identity confusion. As the distraction of her daughter was taken away, her marital relationship was pushed to the forefront.
Dealing with the daily business of everyday life masked underlying difficulties that were silently wedged into her marriage. The energy and time needed for the marital relationship came up short when in competition with the family’s needs.
The emptiness Diane felt in her relationship with her husband was filled up by her daughter when she was living at home. Now, there were no more substitutes and distractions to remedy what was lacking between the two of them. They both knew that this was a crisis and a blessing at the same time. They now had a second chance to rediscover each other, regroup, and plan for the future.
Diane and her husband had an opportunity to work on their marriage and to revisit what they meant to each other. When the job of raising children has ended, an awareness of time passing is felt, and one is confronted with looking at the choices made as that time elapsed.
Beginning with watching their child take their first steps to packing them off to sleep-away camp, each good-bye brings parents and children closer to the process of separation.
In human development, according to Margaret Mahler, the process of separation-individuation is started by the toddler when they discover that they are a separate person apart from mother.
The toddler practices this differentiation through their exploration of the world. They approach frustration and face pain and reunite with mother both interpersonally and intrapsychically.
Constant good experiences within this stage help the child to 'hatch' and become a separate person with a separate identity. This familiar stage is also known as the 'terrible twos.' Although frustrating and difficult for parents, it is an extremely necessary step for healthy development.
Human development is like building blocks, you cannot go on to the next stage until the foundation from the previous stage has been successfully completed . Having your son or daughter be capable enough to go off to college, lets the parents know that they have helped their child successfully attain enough healthy development to leave them and become the individuals they were meant to be.
In therapy, Diane explored alternative means of receiving relationship satisfaction other than the parental role. She learned to enjoy the freedom of having less responsibility, which gave her more time for self discovery.
The refocus on her marital relationship enabled her to develop her own voice and work towards a more fulfilling marriage.
She worked on getting more support around her by joining an Empty Nest group. Group enabled Diane to feel comfort in hearing what other parents were going through and as a result made her feel less isolated
As with most life transitions, they are difficult and push you to discover a new way of being in the world. Along with loss there is an unfolding of something found, along with an ending a new beginning is born and along with enduring the pain, a new found joy begins to blossoms. The suffering caused by Empty Nest Syndrome allots a strength one needs in order to live the second half of life.