People often talk about the importance of good listening. We nod our heads as if saying, "Yeah,…everyone knows that…" However, actually listening, and listening well, requires a lot more than agreement that "it's a good thing to do."
The value of listening attentively is multi-fold. Good listening:
• helps the person who is speaking feel valued and cared about
• helps the person who is speaking to become more clear about what s/he thinks and feels
• helps the listener better understand what the speaker is trying to say
• is fundamental to the communication process and the meaningful resolution of conflicts.
Breaking down the process of listening into smaller, more manageable steps, we can begin to notice: what works, what blocks good listening, and what will help us be more masterful listeners. To begin, we might divide the process of listening into two parts:
1. Listening to someone you care about who is experiencing a problem (that has nothing to do with you.)
2. Listening to someone with whom you have a conflict or issue where it does (at least some of it) have to do with you.
Clearly, the first option is easier to handle. When someone we care about comes to us with an issue that does not involve us at all, it is much easier to be a good listener. We care, we want to help, we are honored that this person feels safe enough to share their dilemmas and predicaments with us.
Then there is the second option. The person coming to speak with us is upset, angry, irritated, or hurt - seemingly because of us.
Now the process gets more complicated, and we might experience any number of things:
• Defensiveness: "You don't know what you're talking about"
• Denial: "You're wrong" or "I didn't do that"
• Blame: "It's actually your fault…if you didn't do…I wouldn't have done…
• Anger: "There you go again…always complaining..."
Whether we are in the first or second situation, the fine art of listening well creates an atmosphere where deeper connections and understanding become possible.
In the second set of examples (involving conflict) when people are open and willing to "hear each other out," there is a tremendous reward or pay-off: more meaningful relationships, greater tolerance and understanding for others who have feelings, ideas, and points of view different than our own - and in the end, creating a road that leads toward greater wisdom and hopefully more peace.
Let's explore some of the fundamentals of good listening, and look at what does and doesn't work, so you, the reader can better assess your own strengths and weaknesses.
First, inadequate or non-listening comes most often from fear: If I really take in another's point of view I might have to change my mind - and I don't want to. We often get stuck because we fear that if we really listen, we might be forced to "give in" or change our minds, or get talked out of a position that we are ‘sure' is right (hence negating our own feelings.)
The other thing that happens when we experience upset, fear, and resistance, is that we tend to revert to only ‘me' (how it is for me…) forgetting about the concept of other: both of us…WE.
A genuine and meaningful interaction requires a balance that includes both of us. When we learn to embrace both/and (rather than either/or) new possibilities, new realities, and new directions can be ‘birthed'.
The first step that we need to bring into a listening interaction is what we call a right attitude, manner, and presence. This attitude involves wanting to hear what the other has to say, whether or not we agree with it.
The concept is really quite simple: When we want to hear what another has to say, and listen attentively to why the other feels as they do, it is easier to understand what we are dealing with: maybe it's not as complicated as we thought; maybe it's a simple misunderstanding; maybe it's far more complicated than we thought.
Whatever it is, until we listen to and hear the other person fully, with total attention - openly, objectively, and without judgment or blame, we cannot really know how to properly respond.
Helpful tips for the Listener:
• Take whatever you are feeling, wanting to share, your point of view, etc. and put it somewhere safely, out of the space between you and the speaker, so that you are totally available to listen, and be fully present to receive the other. (You will get a listening turn, as well.)
• Maintain an attitude of wanting to hear what is said exactly as the speaker says it without:
- Interpretation: "I think this is what your problem is…"
- Advice: "Here's what I think you should do about it…"
- Attempting to ‘fix-it': "Here are three suggestions…"
- Minimizing it: "You're really making such a big deal of nothing…"
Helpful tips for the Speaker:
• Take a minute to check internally for what feels comfortable to share.
• Only share what feels right, right now.
• When the listener says it back to you, check internally to see if what you're hearing back is exactly what you mean.
• If what you are hearing back is not what you mean, it is essential that you make a correction so that the listener can better understand you: "That's not exactly what I meant...it's more like....."
• If you have made a correction, ask the listener to say it back: "I would appreciate it if you would say back..." (and tell the listener exactly what to say back…)
The next step requires listening with more than just your ears. With complete attention, we follow what the speaker is saying with a presence that involves the whole body, meaning your inner intuitive sense of what the other person is meaning…beyond their
words.