Different Dispositions
For me, Johnathan and Laura are, at first glance, one of the most beautiful couple I've ever seen. There is something inspiring in the way that they look at each other. It's as if an entire world exists between them, splendid and perfectly coordinated.
In the fabric of their life together each has their own responsibilities. Laura is responsible for optimism in the home, for initiative, and cheery disposition. Johnathan, a bit more introverted, is responsible for the stillness, introspection, and thoughts that sink into the deep.
When I meet them it seems to me that Johnathan is the 'water' relaxing Laura, and she is the 'fire' energizing Johnathan.
The Problem
As a therapist, Laura tells me that lately Johnathan is a little more introspective and withdrawn, and it's as if a cloud of gloom is hanging over him and won't let him go. And, if that's not enough, she feels like this cloud is expanding and beginning to hang over her as well.
Laura doesn't like clouds; in fact, she believes that you can make them disappear if you imagine with all your might that they are cotton candy on a stick, put there for you to munch on…but, the more she tries to melt Johnathan's clouds, it seems, the more they appear…
Laura tells me that when she tries to encourage Johnathan, it seems to help him less and less. He shares his frustrations with her which include dissatisfaction with his job, and she responds with love and a sweet smile, suggesting to him to focus on what he does like, on how talented he is, and on what he can do to dispel the clouds.
Johnathan listens to her. Deep inside he wants to be in that cloud free place she describes, but he can't. He feels that trying to be happy, to smile, will mean disconnecting from his true feelings, trying to be someone or something he is not, and denying what weighs heavy on his heart.
He is concerned that she might expect him to be someone he is not, or feel something he doesn't, and though he knows that she is just trying to help, in the end, not only is it unhelpful, it actually makes things worse.
Living life in partnership with another greatly magnifies difficulties with certain characteristics, behavioral patterns, or tendencies that the other has.
With deep introspection it is possible to recognize that the thing that is so hard for us to accept in the other, exists in us as well, maybe to a different degree, maybe expressed differently, but in us none the less, and usually very hard to acknowledge.
Role Playing
Johnathan and Laura grind their teeth when each tries to role-play the part of the other. What stands out is that they both have a hard time identifying with the opposite's perspective. The tension, frustration, anger each feels is hidden behind embarrassed laughter and exaggerated impersonations of each other.
Laura is able to see how hard it is to allow herself to feel depressed, or hopeless, and how unwilling she is to accept herself if she feels this way for even a moment. She remembers how her mother would shake off every bit of doubt or sadness when she was little, and would encourage her with intensity until she "came back to herself."
She remembers the sense of distress she used to experience when she felt that her mother didn't understand or accept her as she was. With the years she lost the ability to live with emotional pain or despair for any period of time, and more than that, she stopped feeling a legitimate right to have these emotions. She pales slightly when she recognizes herself playing the role of her mother opposite Johnathan.
Johnathan can recognize two sides at war within himself: one that is in despair and lacks a sense of meaning, and the other optimistic, trusting, and vital. Both sides offer different ways of approaching life and dealing with problems, and each is sure that it is entirely correct, and the only one that is true.
Johnathan can see how this inner struggle depletes his energy and leaves him drained. When he role-plays Laura, the inner struggle grows and creates a still larger chasm between his two sides. Ultimately, all this causes him to actually identify even more with the depressed part of him.
Johnathan realizes that when he shares his feelings of dejection with Laura, and she tries to take him out of his pessimism, his inner conflict turns in to a conflict between them because he identifies with his pessimistic side and she represents the opposing optimism.
When his inner conflict comes out, and is projected 'live' onto the stage of their shared life together, he creates new doubts about losing control, and makes the problem even worse. Now, not only is he in a terrible mood, but his relationship is less stable as well.
Dealing With Inner Struggle
When struggle happens in our reality, outside of us, we often stand apart from it, and try to find a way to end it as quickly as possible. When we realize that all external struggles are indications of inner struggles, the spotlight is then turned inward. It is possible to locate those areas inside of us that are at war with each other.
It is the inner struggle that causes the outer, and makes it visible. In order to complete this circle, and achieve completion, you must return inward, delving into the inner dynamic of the conflict and recognize it.
When Johnathan asks himself what kind of encouragement would really help him, he takes his time to think about it. After breathing deeply, and after a little hesitation and silence, he realizes that instead of advice he needs quiet support, someone to listen, a warm hug, and a sense that he is understood.
When this happens he can be exactly who he is: a man with two strong opposing sides; and then, he can more easily accept himself. This kind of outward support allows him to listen to his inner voice. It allows him to be aware of his inner mechanisms. This sense of security, and awareness of his inward experience ultimately allows him to balance the voices and distinguish the path to feeling more peaceful.
Laura can identify with this, and better understands what Johnathan is going through. She has a hard time being passive and allowing sadness or hopelessness to exist, but also understands that she wants to be able to allow herself and Johnathan the freedom and space to be.
Johnathan's inner struggle became a conflict in their relationship. After the role playing which helped them to understand each other better, the questions remaining are this: Can they use their contrasts and differences in order to balance and complete each other? Will they also be able to utilize what they have learnt to change habits and behavioral patterns? They still have a way to go but the first steps and often the hardest may already be behind them.