The Scenario
Winter in a secluded mountain region of southern Germany, and the temperature drops below zero. But I am warm being deeply in love with my girlfriend. I have come from Israel to be with her.
The warmth doesn’t last as eventually, in early Spring, I realize I can not make a life in Germany and I leave for Boston.
She calls, crying, saying she can’t live without me. She leaves everything, I leave Boston, and we meet in California. We live in Santa Barbara, and work in a factory making ocarinas (clay flutes).
We buy an old car that we live out of, and we drive through the Northern American continent, two penniless lovers without country or home. Until, one day in the middle of Tennessee, our ancient car breaks down, and so does our relationship.
She goes back to Germany and I to Israel. From our different countries we promise eternal love to one another – before the painful truth sets in that we are not going to get back together, we are not going to jump on another flight to each other.
Lessons Learnt
After years in this my first long distance relationship we understood that we both wanted to build our lives in different countries. And we were privileged to experience a transformation of our romantic feelings into a true friendship that doesn’t want anything from the other but in which love never stopped being.
With this relationship I learnt about how love needs to be free, how the moment we stopped needing to have each other in the place where we wanted each other – in the moment of release – then we were truly loving each other.
After that relationship I had another long distance girlfriend, who I eventually married. We made a home together, and she became the mother of my children.
There Is Hope
My marriage is proof that there are no rules for long distance romance; that sometimes a long distance relationship doesn’t have to end in break up because of the physical distance.
This is also what my Aunt says and she is living in Israel whilst the love of her life lives in America. Though they are both in their late fifties and with grown children it is interesting that neither of them even feels the need to move to the other’s country.
Why?
But I do wonder why some of us are attracted to people from other countries? It could be a deep genetic need for diversity in the human race, or perhaps it is the romantic idea that comes from books and movies of falling in love with a mysterious other whose language and culture is so different from our own.
The question I have is this: Why do we allow ourselves to fall in love with somebody from another country? Do we have the power to not allow ourselves to fall with somebody or do long distance relationships come about because love is beyond borders?
There are people who would say long distance relationships are actually an escape from truly being in a relationship. Or a long distance relationship might be an infatuation with the fantasy of love, and not real love for a flesh and blood partner.
So how can you know the reason that you fall into a long distance relationship? For any long distance relationship to work, I believe that first and foremost you need to know what are your genuine needs and what is the way you wish to live your life. Maybe you don’t mind to move country, maybe you want to establish two homes together in two countries. The thing is to know what you want even before you talk with your partner about what he or she wants.
And after when you establish honest and authentic communication with your long distance partner, when there is an open channel of communication, answers come about how a long distance relationship can work…or not work.