In The Beginning
A few months ago, on the cusp of significant changes in my personal and professional career, and just before launching the first course in Organic Training*, I was served with divorce papers.
Being human, my first reaction was similar to a frightened and wounded animal. However, at the same time (due to my inner work as an Organic Trainer) a channel of objectivity was left open to consciously observe the situation. This channel opened me up to possible choices, and neutralized feelings of victimization, despite the divorce being one of the most confusing phases of my life.
In the language of Coaching, I succeeded in finding a relatively balanced mental-emotional path. I did this by bypassing possible confrontations, and relaxing my flexed ego muscles (stimulated as a result of the surprising changes I was faced with) so that I would be able to answer with the ever suitable…"As you wish," no matter what the demand may be.
Letting Go
And so I allowed my ex-wife to choose the divorce lawyer who would manage the proceedings. Actually the divorce lawyer and I became good friends, and succeeded in writing the brilliant terms of conditions that enabled me to payoff the full alimony in advance, and to feel safe in the knowledge that no one would run off with my money.
Being Jewish, my ex-wife and I had our final 'dance' on the steps of the Rabbinical Court; a dance that caused all of us (and one that causes many couples) a great deal of discomfort and embarrassment.
The divorce proceedings made me wonder why it wasn’t possible to have a parting ceremony which actually empowers a couple in their new individual paths. This kind of ceremony could include guidance, counseling, and maybe even spiritual support instead of, in my opinion, an outmoded ritual that creates guilt, and enhances the already existing pain.
My conscious choice to surrender to the 'war of divorce' in advance, although efficient in the practical sense of managing the break-up process and giving support to the entire confused family, was accompanied by emotional reactions that flooded my body; reactions that I experienced as actual physical pain. I call this pain separation-grief. I felt as if I were giving up the 'addiction' of being in a couple, as if the relationship had been a familiar drug.
As anybody going through divorce or a deep relationship break up knows, it is such a turbulent emotional roller coaster. A ride, which included at times impossible vortexes of deep depression, alternating with occasional feelings of release and relief.
The experience that I have accumulated as an Organic Trainer, allowed me to deal with this emotional tsunami, and focus on a positive, balanced management of the separation crisis. Sometimes it was guided imagery which focused me on my purpose and vision with positive feelings that helped me.
In retrospect I like to say that my 'relationship muscle' was 'cramped' during my married years and therefore it is natural that during the process of letting go I experienced actual physical pain just as when you start to use certain unused muscles in sport your body feels stiff in the beginning.
The Principle of Persistence
The biggest challenge I faced, when the divorce was under way, was to persist in my choice to surrender to the unpleasantness.
The utilization of the tools that I teach and practice in the field of consciousness and awareness enabled me to choose communication instead of war, and by doing so I succeeded in releasing my anger and fear without forcing it on my ex-wife who was also scared and confused.
The principle of persistence (learned in the Organic Training process), forced me to find new ways of communication in my daily life. This persistence also helped me deal with the worries and fears that I experienced during this process, and with the reality that almost everything I owned was passed to my ex-wife and children…
In conclusion the biggest lesson that I learnt was not to fall into the trap of self pity and feeling like a victim. I realized that I could choose not to be a victim but rather take responsibility for my actions and to see that the divorce can be a positive event, enabling me to open to a new path in my life, and to find a new way to new and higher goals.
*Organic training is a way to teach people to coach themselves or to find their own path in life by going inside themselves. One of the main aims of organic coaching is to balance the right and left side of the brain especially as most people tend to use the left or more logical side of the brain rather than the more intuitive and feeling right side of the brain.