The Regime
I am in a village in rural India, one of sixty people experiencing a meditation retreat.
On the first day we file into the meditation tent and enter a realm of silence where we are to remain for one week.
Each day has the same structure: we wake at seven with the gong, meditate in the tent from 7.30 -8.30 and then eat breakfast. There is then a two hour sitting meditation divided by walking meditation before lunch. In the afternoon there is moving meditation and exercises such as hatha yoga or chi gong followed by another two hour sitting. After dinner we return once again to our cushions for a final sitting before bedtime.
The regime feels rigorous and there are moments when I remember lazing in my comfy bed at home and wonder whether a prison would be more fun? Then I realize that the prison is not the retreat structure but my own mind.
Once a student asked our retreat teacher, "Are you beyond boredom?"
"On the contrary," he replied with a smile, "I am stabilised in the state of absolute boredom."
Quietening The Mind
Our teacher has spent years in Zen monasteries and offers a retreat structure similar to that of a Zen retreat. He says meditation is "moment by moment putting the mind in the right place, returning to our presence and letting go into just being, abiding in the now."
The aim is to connect to a natural state, beyond the mind. I think I understand what he says because for the first few days I feel restless, like my mind has no distractions. Eventually my mind becomes quiet. By the end of the retreat I feel like I've reached a deep restful ocean bed which lies beneath the turbulent waves of thinking.
On my second day, I am awakened by a dream about toasted cheese. In my sleep I conjure up a glorious picture of melty cheese and get so excited about my desire that I wake up abruptly, full of anticipation. Discovering that I am still in a dormitory in the 'mystic village' and the chances of a toasted cheese are slim, I sigh and return to the strict regime of renunciation.
As the days go by I feel more grounded and peaceful within. I believe that my essence is being strengthened through "just sitting." The teacher outlines the pitfalls of the spiritual path and warns us against exciting mystical states. He says that not every experience beyond the mind is rooted in the eternal.
The purpose of the retreat is not to have amazing energy experiences and mystical visions, as many seekers crave, but to be consistently natural, simple, clear.
Our teacher adds that while the spiritual path is certainly beautiful, one should not romanticize it. The path requires patience and endurance in order to cut through our unconscious self.
Dealing With Challenges
He advises us to gently embrace difficulties and to deal wisely with emotional disturbances, neither identifying nor dis-identifying but simply letting them be. Meditation is an opportunity to confront the subconscious and the deeper we enter the spiritual path, the more challenging are the tests. The mind cannot handle the immobility of meditation as there is nowhere to escape and so the shadow begins to surface.
We are advised that we do not need to fight with this shadow but rather to look with the eyes of one's soul. Gradually, the purity of our true nature...our untainted self...is revealed. We can "suffer with dignity" and even feel gratitude for our difficulties for we are not victims. This movement back and forth from bliss to discomfort is actually the nature of the path.
As the students are in silence, there is a box for written questions which the teacher answers either as a note, publicly or in private meetings. I scribble a question: What should I focus on in silent meditation? and place it in the box.
The next day I receive a scribbled answer on the back of the note: "presence, being, surrendering consciousness and cultivating clarity!" Exclamation mark! The note reminds me of a Zen stick, signalling a call to attention...
Transforming Sexual Energy
One of the questions that our teacher responds publicly to is: how to transform sexual energy? Our teacher says that sexual energy is natural and not, in itself, a problem. He has no judgement about having many partners or no partner and believes it is possible to transform sexuality through love and monogamy. If a man surrenders to a woman and a woman surrenders to a man, the two lovers who have surrendered to each other find a mirror for their souls and the partner actually becomes the Beloved, drawing one closer to one's own Divinity.
If Existence brings one a "soul mate" (and apparently there is not just one soul mate but several possibilities), someone who is deeply in harmony with one's sensitivity, someone with whom one feels at home, deep love can flower.
Now, two months after the retreat, in the bustle and noise of a market in the Middle East, I begin to feel the benefits of spending a week in silence. In the midst of daily life in the city, there are moments when my mind settles down and I come to rest. A gentle bliss arises from my soul and envelopes me. When I awake in the morning, there it is.
As I have learnt when the relative retreat ends, the real retreat continues, within the drama of human existence.