If having a successful intimate relationship feels like an impossibility, you are not alone. According to the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics, 43% of first-time marriages end in separation or divorce, and the population of unmarried women will soon surpass the number of married women.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, based in Los Angeles, I have seen many of my own clients weighed down by despair and self-blame over failed relationships. This deep sense of failure touches everyone; even the most successful individuals are not immune from it.
Can finding a mate simply be a matter of luck? Or do hidden behavioral patterns leave you repeating relationship blunders? How can you make sense out of something that feels so elusive?
The answers to these baffling questions are closer than you think. In fact, it stems from the first intimate relationship you ever experienced - the mother-infant relationship. Over the years, research findings have revealed that the mother-infant relationship serves as a prototype for your adult relationships. John Bowlby's curiosity about the effects of intense distress experienced by the separation of infants from their parents has paved the way for the groundbreaking information encapsulated within his "Attachment Theory." To sum it up, Attachment Theory focuses on how your first relationship in life, (the mother-infant relationship) becomes a working model for your adult relationships.
let?s look at how the mother-infant relationship can affect adult relationships.
Take for example baby Sara who had an attentive and caring mother. Due to Sara?s supportive upbringing, she was able to develop a secure attachment to her mother. She will be able to describe herself in generally positive terms, but also be capable of admitting that she is not perfect. Based on this secure attachment, Sara feels comfortable believing she could be there for others and rely on others being there for her.
As an adult, Sara will tend to seek intimate relational experiences that are consistent with her secure infant-caregiver experience. It is highly likely that she will not worry about her partner abandoning her or smothering her with closeness. When she runs into the occasional ?bad date,? it won?t take long to recognize it as something inconsistent with what her idea of a good relationship should be. Sara will be attracted to a partner who can realistically satisfy her needs. She will most likely feel comfortable setting healthy boundaries. She will know where she ends and the other person begins.
On a different note, let?s look at Ben.
He finds others are reluctant to get as close as he would like. He is negative in terms of self-description and less capable of admitting that he is not perfect. His boundaries are blurry and he can find himself enmeshed with others. He often worries that his partner doesn?t really love him and may leave at any time. Ben would like to get close to his partners, but finds his needs scare them away.
If we examine Ben?s infant-caregiver relationship, we find that his mother had suffered a major illness when he was born. As a result, Ben was put into the care of a distant relative who was not attentive and warm. Consequently when entering relationships, Ben has a looming anxiety that he will be abandoned. This anxiety stirs up underlying feelings of terror and causes him to want much more than any partner can possibly give him. In fact, most partners involved with this type of person complain about feeling completely devoured by them. They also feel frustrated that they can't satisfy their partner's needs no matter what they do. Unconsciously, Ben recreates the same environment of abandonment and frustration that he experienced as an infant.
If Ben never experienced the feeling of secure attachment, how will he ever be able to recognize and partake in a healthy relationship? How could Ben break out of his agonizing patterns and start having relational experiences that would be satisfying and inconsistent with his negative expectations?
Taking responsibility for ourselves
If Ben tends to be a blamer, he avoids experiencing any personal responsibility for the outcomes of his relationships, thereby avoiding any possibility of personal growth. It's difficult to get away from thinking about failed relationships in terms of right and wrong, but this is precisely the direction Ben will need to take. Approaching self-discovery with curiosity is healthier and more beneficial than seeking blame. Curiosity will help him find answers to his relationship puzzle, and blame will only take him right back to the beginnings of his discontent.
Successful relationships have the capacity to bring enormous human joy and fulfillment. Unfortunately, because of his or her dependency, the infant had no say in the creation of their first relationship in life. But, as adults equipped with curiosity and the tenacity to find out how the past lives in your present life, there is encouragement in solving the mystery of attaining and enjoying a satisfying intimate relationship.
Bonnie Katz is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Encino, California. Her website is bonniekatz.com