It's Sunday night, the dinner dishes are cleared from the table and everyone in the family heads for the sofa to get comfy and watch another episode of The Sopranos on HBO.
Carmella and Tony are at it again. He just made her eyes light up with a beautiful trinket that he"picked up" from anywhere but a retail store. Clever Tony knows exactly how to lavish Carmella in order to put her back in his corner.
Like two experienced prizefighters, they go at it. Round one, he's winning her favor back with all the right moves. Round two, they sit holding a glass of wine toasting each other, just like the old days when they were young and in love.
Round three, out of the corner of her eye, Carmella catches Tony giving an all too familiar glance over to a beautiful woman that just walked into the restaurant. Carmella curses him throws the wine in his face and exits the restaurant with necklace in tow. Tony laughs and winks at the beautiful woman as he slowly walks out the door after Carmella. Fight over.
The judges might have to call this one a tie because both Tony and Carmella have won. While trying to deal with their underlying fears of responsibility, they both succeeded in keeping just enough space between the two of them to keep it comfortable.
What is the 'closeness discomfort zone' ?
Tony and Carmella may be fictional characters on TV, but they represent a large number of couples who get caught in the crux of the ‘closeness discomfort zone.'
Each person has their set standards for just how comfortable they feel around others. Take a glimpse at how people greet each other within the social environment. There are the air kissers, the bear huggers, the hand shakers, manly pats on the back or maybe no touching at all. Of course culture comes into play with these greetings, but even within cultures, personal comfort squeezes through.
Couples also have their comfort zone within a love relationship. In fact, this zone can be a motivating factor in how a couple interacts with one another.
What determines the construction of the ‘closeness comfort zone?' Usually it is an unconscious fear of being abandoned or a fear of being swallowed up or enveloped by the partner. In fact, one usually picks the perfect partner to engage in this dance of distance.
Let's look at how decisions of distance are formulated.
If we look into Carmella's upbringing, we might find a mother or caretaker who controls the family with an iron fist. In order to please her overly intrusive, and controlling mother, Carmella may have repressed her own thoughts and feelings.
Little Carmella slowly disappeared in order to become the daughter she was expected to be, hiding her thoughts and feelings in order to survive. When she enters into a relationship, she wonders just how much of herself does she have to give up in order to make it work?
On the other hand, Tony's childhood experience may have been the opposite. His mother or caretaker may have been emotionally distant and unavailable. In times of need, he may have been left to tend to his needs on his own.
Subsequently, when a need arises in Tony so does his fear of vulnerability and sense of abandonment. He might wonder if he allows himself to get close, what guarantee does he have that Carmella won't run away and abandon him? When he does drop his guard, a warning signal may alert him to run in the other direction for protection.
This is what he unconsciously did when Carmella began moving emotionally closer towards him in the restaurant. To push her back and return to his ‘closeness comfort zone,' he unconsciously reminds her of his infidelities with the glance at the other woman.
Carmella and Tony's behavior within their relationship is being directed by their unconscious fear of closeness. They have a relationship that really reflects their upbringings. Once this concept is understood, it is easier to detect the many disguises in the relationship.
The surface issues might be infidelity, lack of sexual desire, jealousy and constant criticism to name a few. Couples get caught in these unending conflictual patterns which have nothing to do with the real underlying issues. They become excellent prizefighters sparring at each other in order to stay in their ‘closeness comfort zone.'
What to do to get to a comfortable closeness with your partner?
Although constant conflict can make for an interesting episode on the Sopranos, in real life it eventually wears thin and starts to deteriorate the relationship. How can a person avoid these pitfalls and maintain a relationship that is flexible, honest and growth orientated?
Firstly, if any of the issues presented here resonate with you it might be beneficial to start exploring your ‘closeness comfort zone.'
Beginning to understand what unconsciously drives your behavior is one of the goals in individual psychotherapy. It is enlightening and helpful to understand parts of your mind that you are unaware of so that they have less control over you. Resolving the past within the present results in more self-understanding. This can lead to making healthier relationship choices.
If you are already in a relationship that is unsatisfying, you might benefit from the help of a good couple's counselor. Some goals would be to help you and your partner uncover the underlying issues that are keeping you from being close.
You can learn to have compassion for each other's childhood wounds, communicate with integrity in a fair way, and allow for open expression of feelings in a loving, supportive atmosphere.
Just like two prizefighters who diligently practice to strengthen their skills before entering the ring, a couple continuously working through their issues around closeness can gain the rewards of having a truly intimate relationship.