A Common Situation
Sharing is Caring! That's the catch-cry of parents around my area at the moment. It usually comes up when some children play in a group, and one of them starts to play with a toy that belongs to another child. The offended child cries, asks for it back, or snatches it. Then the responsible adult (often the snatcher's mother) tells the rightful owner "sharing is caring!" and that "kids who don't share won't have friends who want to play with them."
I find it quite offensive. The child didn't only lose her toy, but her autonomy and dignity as well. She lost the right to play with the toy she wanted, while the other child gets to play with it, at the cost of her friend's happiness. At least until another child forces her to share it with him, and it all starts over again.
Once, a good friend of my daughter, Sequoia, came to me crying because she thought that Sequoia doesn't care about her. I couldn't understand why she would feel that way, but when I talked to the girl, it transpired that Sequoia didn't want to give her a turn of her favourite doll, and the girl felt that 'Sharing is caring.'
In The Adult World
When I am with one of my friends and they ask if they could borrow something of mine, I often agree and share it, but sometimes I don't want to lend it and say no, and my friends respect that. I might give a reason, and I also might not, but other adults will respect my ownership of my things, and respect my decision not to lend them.
If I were forced to share something of mine when I had already said no, I would feel humiliated. If that were a common occurrence, I would ultimately lose my sense of ownership, and perhaps lose my self-esteem as well.
I enjoy sharing with my friends, as any other socially functioning person would, and it comes from the knowledge and trust that I choose what to share, with whom, and when. I don't see why we can't offer children the same respect - the right to not share.
A child, whose ownership of an object is respected, will then learn to respect others' ownership of things too. I have noticed that my daughter, Sequoia, shares happily when she wants to. Many times I've bought something for her, a packet of cookies or some stickers, and she insists on having just one, and saving the rest to share with her friends when they come over.
Reasons Why Kids Don't Want To Share
It does happen that some times, Sequoia doesn't feel like sharing her treats. She always has a reason for that, but being five years old, she isn't always able to express those reasons. I've learned to trust that those reasons exist, and if that's how she feels, then it's valid. Often the reason is that I had told her that she should share the treat, and she, expectedly, resists it.
Another common reason for her not to share is that she is actually playing with that object at that moment. Generally, if another child lets her know that he would like to play with something of hers, she will hand it over when she finishes her turn.
However, it would be quite a long turn if the other kid tries to snatch it, or the adults tell her off every few seconds: "Come on Sequoia! Give it to him! Sharing is caring!" Asking politely, "Please let me play with it when you are finished," and leaving her to her own devices, is much more effective.
Sometimes, Sequoia doesn't want to share something, and if I am patient with her, and try to understand why she doesn't want to share a particular thing in that moment, it will transpire that she was worried about a particular issue that is easily resolved.
The other day a younger child wanted to play with one of Sequoia's toys, but Sequoia said no. When I asked her about it, she admitted that she was worried the toddler would put the toy in her mouth. The solution was simple; we explained to the child that she could play with the toy as long as she didn't suck on it.
Often, I see children who are regularly forced to share, clinging to their things. They covet toys and wolf down sweets before the grown-ups have a chance to make them give up half to another child.
Problem With Forcing A Child To Share
The true meaning of sharing, is simply to share for the joy of it; and nothing can be joyful if it is forced.
Forcing correct moral behaviour doesn't really help a child to become a moral human being. It's like forcing a child to apologise - a child may learn that apologising is something you have to do, but will hate doing it, and her apologies would become empty words.
I have also seen many parents encouraging their children to share, and then praising them when they do it "right." When one child shares something with another child, the parents clap and exclaim "Good girl! Nice sharing!" I've seen such children sharing things only when an adult is watching, and the child straight away looks to see that their praise is forthcoming.
Sharing To Gain Approval
These children are learning that sharing is something one does to gain approval, rather than brings joy to them and their friends. I would much rather say nothing when my daughter shares with another child; I know that she has done it because she wants to - because it makes her happy to see her friends happy, and she can see that without me pointing it out.
We can help children sort out their arguments over toys by reminding them who owns the toy, and that we need to wait till the owner is finished with something before we can play with it.
We can also help children to find alternatives to play with, for example I might offer to read my daughter a story while another child has a turn of her ball, or perhaps I would try to instigate a game where everyone can play with the ball together. In the end, if Sequoia doesn't want to share her ball, she doesn't have to, and we respect that.
Being A Role Model
In my experience, the best way for a child to learn any behaviour is to model that behaviour for them. Children are born inherently wanting to learn, to play and to make friends. They are social creatures, and they are all too glad to fit into society and follow customs. When children see the adults around them sharing joyfully, they soon learn to do the same.
Of course, learning moral behaviour and social mores such as sharing doesn't happen overnight; many children go through a phase in early childhood of wanting to keep things for themselves, but ultimately, when the child is emotionally ready, sharing happens naturally.