Papa's Part

As a child, I rarely saw my father; he worked long hours, often coming home just before my bedtime, if not after. My mother made most of the decisions, but my father had ultimate veto power and would occasionally reverse a promise my mother had made me. In cases of bigger decisions, my mother often deferred to my father, calling him at work to ask, rather than risk making the 'wrong' choice.

Major punishments were also reserved for my father to dole out, even when he had not been home at the time of the transgression, and I was often warned to behave with the ultimate threat; "just wait till your father gets home and hears what you've been doing!"

Ultimately, I grew up with very little relationship with my father, and for the most part, feared him as a kind of all-powerful malevolent force in my life.

Sadly, this is quite a common relationship between father and child; with the father having very little idea about what really goes on in a child's life, but still calling the shots.

When my own daughter, Sequoia was born, her father and I felt quite strongly that the ideal situation would be for her to have both her parents with her as much as possible, and we were very lucky that he could take a year off work to be a full-time father.

This meant that for the first twelve months of Sequoia's life, she was with two parents full-time. It definitely made things a lot easier on me and strengthened our daughter's relationship with her father.

We all know the stereotype of loving, caring fathers who play with their kids, but as soon as the child fusses or needs something, he hands the child back to her mother or any other available woman.

Sequoia's father has often complained that when he is outside with her, as soon as she has a problem, real or imagined, half the women in the street try to 'take care' of her, since, as a man, he may be perceived as clueless.

It is commonly accepted that most babies bond with the mother immediately after birth, while real bonding with the father doesn’t come until the child reaches the age of walking and talking, if not later. However, I suspect that this is partly due to the father spending less time with the child than the mother does, especially in cases where fathers leave for work in the morning, come home tired and essentially leave the bulk of the parenting tasks to the mother.

I have observed many children who are very close to their fathers, or other close family members, but only on a relatively superficial "playtime" level.  There is always a great time to be had horsing around with dad, but if the child has some real need, like hunger or pain, they turn first to mum.

I believe that close bonding comes not only from spending time with a child, but also from spending practical time with a child; interacting on a real level.

For example, a parent who is spending a lot of time caring for the child - feeding, bathing, dressing, putting to bed and reading as well as playing, is building a stronger bond than the parent who only plays occasionally with the child.

Sequoia's father has worked so hard to be an equal parent - quite a challenge when he has less time to be with her, and not being able to breastfeed means that ultimately, when Sequoia needs to nurse, he has to hand her over to me. However even after he went back to work, he still took more than his share of sleepless nights, bathing, feeding and playing.

It is quite normal to assume that since one parent works all day, they come home tired and don’t have any energy to care for the children. I often hear people commenting that one partner needs more sleep as he has to get up for work in the morning.

However, in my opinion, the work of child-raising is just as important as breadwinning, if not more, and it certainly requires far more time and effort; raising children is a fully-committed 24-hour job that requires total commitment.

In order to really give a child all the energy she requires to thrive, the caregiver must have enough rest to be able to patiently provide the loving support she needs and deserves.

Sadly, the stereotype of an overstressed mother barely surviving on coffee and hyperactivity from sleep-deprivation is all too real. Anyone who works hard taking care of a small child all day, as well as preparing food and keeping house can't adequately function when being woken up for night-time feeds, especially when also going to work.

Sharing night-duty is an important part of this - mums need their sleep. Obviously fathers can't take over from the night-time breastfeeding, but they can certainly help with diaper changing and soothing the baby and do as much as possible during the daylight hours.

Of course, it is a big step for many families to consider that the father will take a more active role in parenting, but I believe the little effort it requires is worthwhile.  There are many changes that can be made to create a situation where the father has more time to spend with his children. Sequoia's dad organized shifts at work where he could spend mornings with her while I was at school. This meant that she woke up with her father, who was actively caring for her until lunchtime every day.

Teaching men more about the practicalities of parenting can help a lot in moments when the child is fussing and her father feels helpless.

A lot of the time, I've found that new mothers feel just as helpless as new fathers when faced with a crying baby, but our cultural conditioning leads the father to shrug and hand the child over to her mother, while mothers are expected to know instinctively what to do.

I think if parents were empowered to admit when they feel lost, and encouraged to work together to find parenting solutions, as well as sharing as equally as possible the childrearing tasks, this would balance out much more. Mothers can always teach their partners what to do when the baby needs something, rather than just doing it for him.

I believe this would ultimately give fathers the space to be more functional and actively involved, and now when I see how close Sequoia is with her dad, how well they relate and how confident she is, I really understand the benefits of having two involved parents.

Children who are raised with an equal, active, loving father and have received complete acceptance and support are happier, grow up to have more self-confidence and are better equipped to deal with the world and to raise their own children lovingly.