Reading Fairy Tales
The more I read fairy tale stories to my five year old daughter Sequoia, the more I notice that many fairy tale parents weren't respectful to their children.
There are so many instances of fairy tale heroes getting into trouble because their parents failed to communicate openly and honestly with them.
In the classic Disney movie, The Little Mermaid, Ariel's father, King Triton finds out his daughter is collecting human treasures, and in love with a human. Triton reacts in a fit of anger and destroys all of Ariel's things.
You can see he feels bad about it, yet he does it anyway, feeling that it's "for Ariel's own good". Rather than the desired effect (Ariel deciding to forgo her interest in humans), Ariel feels rejected by her father, misunderstood and unloved. Ariel rebels and runs away, seeking help from an evil witch, who leads her into trouble.
What Ariel needed was for her father to show that he supports her, and loves her unconditionally.
He could have talked with her about humans, and really questioned his prejudices. He could have worked with her to find safe solutions for getting close to humans, perhaps even meeting the prince, with whom she had developed an infatuation. Who's to know what could have happened, but it would save a lot of heartache for Ariel to know that her father respected her.
Guiding My Daughter
Several times I've seen my daughter, Sequoia, doing something that I think is wrong or dangerous for her. I believe that if I would tell her that something is bad and force her to stay away from it, I may encourage her to be more intrigued. Rather I try to make sure she knows about any dangers, and the reasons for my concerns.
For instance if she wants to try alcohol, rather than simply telling her it's not for children, and hiding it in a high cupboard, I would talk to her about the effects of alcohol, about how it feels to drink it, as well as the damage it can do to her.
I may even show her videos of how drunken people can behave, and look at how it impairs judgement. In this way, Sequoia can develop an understanding of alcohol, with my complete support.
Where Are The Good Parents?
The story of Sleeping Beauty gives an example of parents sticking their heads in the sand and thinking they can best protect their children from harm by hiding them from the world and its dangers.
In the fairytale the good fairies take the princess away to live in hiding in the forest. It is understandable that they felt the child needed to be protected, but I believe if they would have warned her of the bad witch's curse, then she might not have fallen for the witch's plot.
In Cinderella it seems to me that Cinderella's fairy godmother fails in her role as godmother. A godmother's traditional duty lies in ensuring that a child has a sound spiritual upbringing, and in caring for children if they are orphaned. In actuality the fairy godmother abandons Cinderella to be abused by a heartless stepmother, only showing up when the situation becomes truly dire.
Sometimes it seems to me like every fairy story could have been improved with better parenting! In Hansel And Gretel, the children's father abandons them into the woods. In Rumplestiltskin, the miller gets his daughter, Rapunzel, into all sorts of trouble thanks to his boastful lies. The miller gives his daughter up to a witch. As a foster mother, the witch could have raised Rapunzel with love and respect, but instead kept her jealously locked in a tower.
Telling The Truth
When we raise our children, it is vital to treat them with the same love and respect we would like to have been raised with. Open, honest communication is the key to developing any relationship, yet so often, we assume our children are too young to understand, or try to enforce on them that they need to do what they are told without questioning their parents.
It appears to me that children who know the truth and the reasons behind what their parents ask of them choose to make the right decisions of their own free will, and they don't fall into the traps of ignorance. And when we trust our children, then they will feel worthy of that trust.
Of course, if the parents in fairy tales had been completely loving, honest, supportive and respectful, it might not have made for such interesting stories! But real life is different from fairy tales and I believe the best we can do is to make our children feel safe and understanding of the real world.