By Racheli Reckles
The pressures of womanhood are many. As women, we are responsible for every detail in our family’s life, from the seemingly insignificant ones (do we have enough toilet paper?) to the greatest details (are my children on the proper path?).
We are born multi-taskers, whose efforts at raising a family and keeping a functioning home are no less than miraculous. From the moment we awake to the second before we fall asleep, our minds are occupied with the full spectrum of thoughts of our families and others close to us, and our actions manifest those thoughts.
But what happens when our thoughts are not always the most positive?
For whatever reason, some days we just don’t have “it”. We are dragging ourselves from one motion to the other, like a person on autopilot. Nothing feels genuine, not even our conversations with our spouse or our children. How do we get reinforcement and strength when we just don’t feel like we have it?
Let’s explore this idea in Rabbi Nachman’s insightful work
, Sichot HaRaN. In response to the times we feel dejected or just don’t feel like Superwoman that day, he states, “If you are disturbed and unhappy, you can at least put on a happy front. Deep down you may be depressed, but if you act happy, you will eventually be worthy of true joy. If you have no enthusiasm, put on a front. Act enthusiastic, and the feeling will eventually become genuine.” That’s it? Yes, that’s it! There’s no magic pill.
As a woman, especially a mother, we set the tone in our homes. If we are happy, our family feels our energy and reflects happiness back to us. If we are sad or angry, our spouse and our children will most likely be drawn into the pit of darkness as well. I have become keenly aware of this as a mother.
If I put on a fake smile, even when I don’t fee like smiling, all is well with my children. If I mope around the house in a sour mood, my kids start to act up and get upset, just because they feel my negativity. Eventually, after forcing myself to smile long enough, I end up with that genuine smile and my excitement and appreciation of life returns.
Not only is Rabbi Nachman’s advice good for us on a personal level, it also is a great way we can give our children proper guidance. We all know children follow by example. If we make ourselves act happy even when we feel sad or downright miserable, we are teaching our children a valuable lesson.
First, we are teaching them that our lives must go on no matter what we feel like. As long as God gave us another day, we are required to make the most of it and be as productive as possible. The Creator did not bless us with another day in order that we mope around, not appreciating any of the countless blessings that He gives us.
Second, we are teaching our children to be emotionally strong. Just because we are not happy it doesn’t mean our entire world has to crumble. We teach them that no matter what the circumstances are, whether the difficulties come from their internal feelings or from external sources, they must put on a happy face and stabilize themselves in challenging times. If they don’t learn this vital lesson from us, they will fall into a victim mentality as soon as things don’t go their way.
This inner strength will prove to be one of the biggest gifts we can give our children. Why is this so? Because if we can help our children to internalize this concept, we are helping them to develop true emuna. What is real emuna? It is the belief that everything Hashem does is for our very best, even and especially in times of difficulty.
Having
emuna when things go according to our liking is not real
emuna, and it is also not real Judaism. One of the foundations of Judaism can be found in Maimonides’ 13 Principles of Faith - God did, does, and will do everything. Furthermore, we must also practice internalizing the concept that everything that happens is for our ultimate benefit, no matter how difficult things may seem.
This is a daunting concept to say the least. There is a great story about two sages who were very close. As one was on his deathbed, his friend gave him a list of questions to ask when he got up to heaven. A few nights later, the deceased came to him in a dream and said, “Where I have gone, there are no questions. Everything is clear.”
From this we can see that we live in a world with a severely limited perception of reality. What we see is only a miniscule part of the picture, and many times we formulate the opposite conclusion based on our perception. In The Garden of Emuna by Rav Shalom Arush, he describes in a groundbreaking and practical way that our reality is not what we think it is. Furthermore, many of us think The Creator is not involved in our day-to-day lives; Rav Arush proves beyond a doubt that He is. Not only is He involved, He is listening to our prayers always. Yes, I realize this statement raises thousands of questions. I cannot answer them all, but the book can answer most!
As women, we are the foundation of the entire family. If the foundation is not strong, the family structure will crumble under the slightest pressure. Children are very intuitive and sensitive to the energy in their home.
We must do everything to ensure that our home is a safe haven for them, a place in which they can feel secure and protected from the outside world. If a child has had a tough day at school, for example, he desires nothing more than to return home to the loving arms of his mother. Whether it is an endless loving embrace or a conversation with unconditional love from his mother, his emotional needs must be met before hers. What her day was like is not his concern, nor should it be.
As the head of the house, we must think about our family’s needs first. This may sound unfair, but it is a necessary reality that goes with the requirements of being a great mother. As impossible as it may feel at times, we must make every effort to put that smile on our face no matter what. Knowing that we can turn our day around with a forced smile or laugh is the instant cure that can resolve anyone’s bad mood. Not only does our emotional well-being depend on it, but so does the well-being of our families. So remember, even if you don’t feel like smiling, just fake it ‘till you make it!